


Oh No, Oh Fuck (A Reader Insert Story)

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: I plan to make this kinda long, Multi, boyfriend's brother, but we'll see how it goes, i'll keep adding tags as I update, lol, prepare yourselves, this is gonna be a wild ride yall, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-07
Updated: 2014-11-26
Packaged: 2018-02-24 10:27:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2578247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You're in a steady, easy-going and happy relationship with Dave Strider, but upon meeting his older brother that ship crashes into the side of a mountain and goes down in flames, sort of... Basically, his brother is really hot and you have no idea how to handle it and shit flies off the handle. </p><p>Peachy, right?</p><p>Right.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pee Like a Champion

**Author's Note:**

> Alright folks so here's the thing. I really wanted to write a reader-insert because I feel like they can be a major mood boost for people and they're super fun to write. I wanted it to be openly aimed at either male or female readers, so I'm gonna try really hard to dodge specific pronouns and probably just refer to reader as they/them to keep it open-ended. This is gonna get real hot n' heavy before the end of things, so prepare for that, but because of the open gender thing I might have to leave some scenes to the imagination... So yeah. Enjoy. Leave feedback. Do what you will with this clusterfuck of a story.
> 
> P.S. I need a beta for this story, so if you're good at proof-reading and are a patient and kind person, please message me at http://gaypirateships.tumblr.com/ to arrange a thing.

You never expected this to happen. 

It started when he answered the door, instead of Dave, the first time you came over. 

He was just so… 

You couldn't think of a word to properly sum him up. He was impossibly tall, with a wide, broad frame and a chiseled face and, god; he had this perfect smirk twisted into his lips as he greeted you. His voice had caught you off guard. It was deep and rich and thick with a Texan drawl that made your palms sweat.

What the fuck gave him the right to be so goddamn attractive? You had caught yourself staring at him stupidly as he asked your name. After fumbling for a few minutes, you were saved by Dave coming to your rescue. He tried to shove his brother out of the way, telling him he was more than welcome to fuck off now. 

“Hey there, babe.” Dave’s familiar voice brought you back to reality. You attempted a smile but were still a little flustered. 

“Oh- hey! It’s good to see you.” It really was, you hadn't seen him in over a week and you’d missed him. 

“Why don’t you get in here before you freeze your ass off?” Dave gave a signature little smirk- far less wicked than his brother’s- and stepped aside, allowing you entrance into the infamous Strider residence.

The inside was more or less mundane, if it weren’t for the weird as hell puppet creatures littering the floor and just about every other open surface. There was also a bunch of discarded trash; Soda cans, apple juice bottles, chip bags, take-out containers, pizza boxes, etcetera. The whole place smelled like a mixture of Chinese food and sweat. You weren't exactly sure how you felt about the smell, but you supposed you ought to start getting used to it if you were going to be spending a lot of time with Dave. 

“It’s….” You struggled to find a polite way to describe the clusterfuck of an apartment.

“A dump, I know, but its home.” Dave finished your sentence for you, and then gently led you away from the living room area and down a narrow hallway. You guessed that Dave’s brother had wandered off into one of the closed rooms, as there was no sight of him now. That was probably a good thing. After all, it was probably kind of shitty to be ogling your boyfriend’s older brother. 

Dave took you to the end of the hall, and swung a door open. It was stopped by a piece of furniture that was a bit too close to the door, so it only opened partially. He slipped through and you followed after him hesitantly. His room was, as you expected, a mess. There were wires scattered all over the floor, clotheslines full of pictures strung across the walls, and more of the weird puppet things and trash. You giggled a little as you recognized Dave’s best friend, John, in a few of his pictures. They were a couple of dorks, for sure. 

“Well, make yourself comfortable, ___, mi casa is you casa.” Dave flopped onto his lopsided and unkempt bed, looking at you expectantly. 

“Dave, I don’t think that’s how you say that.” You grinned at him, but sat down at the foot of the bed, taking in the scene. “Also, do you know what air freshener is, because it smells like moldy pizza in here.” You snickered at the frown on his face and patted his leg. 

“It’s not totally awful, is it? I would have cleaned up but it was sort of short notice.” He looked a little guilty, so you smiled and moved to sit closer to him, leaning down and kissing the tip of his nose. 

“It’s great, because it’s yours. I can get used to the smell, and it’s not like my room is any cleaner than yours.” It was true, your room was a disaster, and you rarely bothered to grace it with a cleaning. It always just got messy again anyways. This seemed to cheer him up, and he caught your lips in a pleasant little kiss. 

“I’m glad. I just want you to be comfortable, you know?” He held you there, and you understood. After all, you’d be staying with him for a week. You’d been dating him for almost a year, but he’d always come over to your house. He kept telling you that he wasn't ready for you to see his house or his mysterious brother, and you thought you were beginning to understand why it took so long for him to be comfortable with it. 

You nodded and tossed your bag onto the floor in favor of curling up beside him and resting your head on his chest. With his steady breathing and clockwork heartbeat, you were easily lulled into a satisfying sleep. It wasn't until late in the night that you woke up again, finding Dave passed out beside you. You smiled, but all of a sudden your bladder decided to demand your full attention. You had to piss right fucking then, so you carefully climbed out of Dave’s bed and hurried to the hallway. You got about halfway down the hall before you realized you didn't know where the hell you were going. Not only was it dark, but you were in a totally unfamiliar house. You looked around and squinted in the darkness, trying to look for a bathroom and rocking back in forth in an antsy bathroom dance. Your eyes passed over a dark figure at the foot of the hallway and you froze, your heart nearly leaping out of your throat. 

Oh. Fuck. It was just Dave’s brother. You clutched your chest and let out an exasperated sigh. 

“Shit, dude, you scared me.” You gave him a small glare for skulking around in the dark like that. 

“Pff, jumpy little thing, ain’tcha?” His voice sounded thick from drowsiness, or maybe alcohol, you couldn't really tell. 

“Well maybe I wouldn't be jumpy if you weren't creeping around in the dark.”  
“Yer’ one t’ talk.” He eyed you with a knowing smirk, and you felt your face heat up. 

“I- I was just looking for the bathroom! I’m not being shifty.” He gave a gruff chuckle, stepping forward and catching you off guard with a hand on your shoulder, warm and heavy. Your heart gave another little leap, but it was pointless. He just turned you to your right, pushing you toward a door you assumed was the bathroom. You turned to thank him when his hand left your shoulder, but he was already ducking into his own bedroom and shutting the door. 

Shady, attractive asshole.

You went into the bathroom, did your business, and then quickly made your way back to Dave’s room. You just wanted to climb under the warm covers and get some more sleep. Once tomorrow came, you could stress over your apparent attraction to your boyfriend’s older brother, but not tonight. 

You were too fucking tired for that shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guhhhhhh. This chapter is a mess because I kinda suck at introduction writing??? I dunno. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. Leave me some feedback! If you want me to write any other pairings, I'd be happy to hear some suggestions. Thanks a bunch, readers.


	2. Cool Bro Has a Chill Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friendly reminder that I'd enjoy some requests or feedback as to what you guys want to see in this story. After all, it's a reader insert, it ought to please the readers! So just comment and tell me what you like/don't like/want to see and I'll try to make it happen!

When you woke up again, Dave was not in the bed. You took the opportunity to sprawl out in the middle of the mattress, stretching your arms and legs luxuriously. The sun was already pretty high, filtering warmth into the room through the window, so you assumed that Dave probably went to work. 

Now what? You laid there for a few minutes, trying to decide if you wanted to walk all the way to the kitchen to get food. Finally, your stomach made the decision for you, making an angry growling sound that you couldn't ignore. You sighed and sat up, stretched one last time, and got up to go find the kitchen. You caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and cringed, but there wasn't time for that. 

Once you found your way to the kitchen, you rummaged. The fridge was empty, except for some random bullshit that shouldn't even be in the fridge. The cabinets were all full of weird puppets. The drawers had an assortment of knives and ninja stars and other strange weapons. 

You weren't finding anything edible. 

"What do I gotta do to get some food around here?" You said it to yourself, so you weren't expecting the drowsy response you got from behind you.

"For starters you gotta go grocery shopping." You knew immediately who it was, but you were a little afraid to turn around. 

"Speaking of which, Dave wants me to do that today while he's at work, and he said I need to bring you along so you can pick out whatever shit you like." You heard him flop down in a chair, and finally turned to face him. 

Oh no, oh fuck. He's so hot what the fuck?!  
He was just sitting there, shirtless and wearing some baggy pajama pants, and his hair was a mess, but it was the most attractive thing you'd ever seen outside of your imagination. 

You were going to say something. He can tell you were, he's staring at you expectantly. Shit, you had lost the ability to speak and he's waiting for something. 

"Uhhh...." You stood there dumbly, unsure how to proceed. 

"Yeah, I know, it probably sounds lame to be out galavanting around with your boyfriend's old man of a brother, but I agree with Dave," He ran his fingers through his hair and yawned. "If you're gonna be stayin' with us you gotta have shit to eat, and I ain't gotta clue what you like." 

How old was he anyways? He couldn't have been over twenty.... Right?

Oh jesus, you were crushing on a grown ass man, and you were barely an adult yourself. At least you were legal. 

"Hey, are you even listening? Man, you must take a while to wake up in the morning. Just go get ready, I wanna get this shopping thing done ASAP so lets not waste time." You blinked away your thoughts and nodded, quickly exiting the kitchen and going to the bedroom to try and make yourself presentable. 

Your hair was fairly easy to tame, all you had to do was brush through it a few times before it was acceptable for the general public. Next, you needed some clothes. You got your favorite pair of jeans from your bag and borrowed one of Dave's shirts, and then you were satisfied with your appearance. 

You grabbed your coat and threw it on, and then went to wait on Dave's brother. You heard the shower running and assumed that it would be a few minutes, so you went to the living room area and flopped down onto the couch. There was a squeak under your butt, and you pulled a puppet thing out from under you, tossing it to the side. 

A few minutes turned out to be nearly an hour, and you were beginning to get concerned. Did he fall in the shower or something? Eventually the shower stopped and you could hear him getting dried off and what-not, so you patiently waited, sending Dave a quick text to tell him good morning, with a little heart emoticon on the end. 

Soon enough, the slow-poke exited the shower, looking clean and refreshed and, thankfully, fully dressed. You stood up and went to the door, watching as he grabbed his keys and wallet off of the coffee table. 

"Alright. Lets hit the road, Jack." 

"My name isn't Jack." 

"It's just one of them phrases, smart-ass." You chuckled to yourself as he locked the apartment door, and then followed him down the stairs to the parking lot. He stayed a good three feet ahead of you, because he had long ass legs and took way bigger steps than you. You were practically running to keep up. 

He approached an old junker of a truck, dented in several places and missing a few chunks of paint here and there. You weren't confident that this thing could even move, but you trusted his judgement and hopped into the passenger seat. He slipped in on the driver's side and cranked the engine, which sputtered a few times before it finally started up. 

"So which grocery store are we going to?" You had to grip your seat as he pulled out of the parking lot and sped out onto the road like a crazy person. 

"I dunno, Food World I guess." He was driving like a maniac, going about ten miles above the speed limit. You were a little bit scared for your life, but he was actually handling the truck fairly well. It didn't seem to phase any of the other drivers on the road. 

"What's your name?" You realized you didn't know it, and you probably should. 

"Bro." That was all he said. You stared at him incredulously. 

"Seriously? Bro? That's your name?" 

"No, but that's what everyone calls me, so you should too." He turned sharply into a new parking lot, the one in front of the grocery store, and you almost bumped your head against the window. 

"Gah! Could you maybe not drive like a nascar driver? Jesus christ." 

"Nah. My driving is fine." He pulled into a parking space and stopped the car, and you were more than ready to get out of that metal death trap. 

"If by fine you mean insane, then sure." You rolled your eyes and started walking toward the grocery store entrance. He easily caught up to you, walking alongside you this time as you entered the building. 

There was a sale or something going on, so the store was full of determined moms and old people trying to get good deals on food. You waited as Bro grabbed a shopping cart. When he came back, he pulled out his phone. "Okay, so i have a list of stuff we need. I'll go grab that shit, and you can just get whatever you want. We can meet up back here." Without waiting for a response, he walked off with the cart. 

Oh. Well.... Okay. You wandered toward the cereal isle, deciding to grab some captain crunch. Then you grabbed some other junk like chips and macaroni n cheese and whatever, and made your way back to the meeting spot. You stood there absently, waiting for Bro to get back. Something caught your attention and you turned to stare. There was Bro, pushing the cart and then riding it like a fucking five year old down the isles. He was dodging people and grabbing things off the shelf as he zoomed by, and the cart was getting filled up fast. 

You were seriously beginning to question the sanity of this guy. He got yelled at by a few employees, but otherwise he didn't get into any trouble, and was soon enough strolling toward you casually with a full basket as if nothing had happened. 

"Dude, what the fuck?" 

"What? It got the groceries done in way less time." 

"You could have ran someone over." 

"But I didn't" He smirked and rolled the cart to the check out, buying all of the items. You put your stuff on the moving counter too, and then you helped him tote everything back to the truck. The groceries were stowed away in the back seat and Bro started up the truck again. 

After another ridiculous car ride, you arrived safely back at the apartment, and you helped bring all the groceries up to the apartment. Then, you enjoyed a late breakfast of cereal and toast before heading back into Dave's room to chill out. 

The rest of the day was spent moping around and waiting for Dave to get home. He finally did, around six, and you told him about your day. He just laughed at you. 

"Yeah, Bro is a looney toon, but you get used to it when you spend a lot of time around him. I promise he's at least a little bit sane." 

"Whatever you say." You weren't convinced, but you didn't argue. You just hugged Dave and enjoyed the rest of your evening with him, watching a movie and falling asleep in his lap half-way through. 

It had been a really weird day, and there were probably a lot more to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No one can convince me that Bro would NOT be a gigantic man-baby in public. Of course he would. There is no other way. 
> 
> Anyways, how's this chapter? I know its kinda messy, and half-assed, but I really did try, kind of. Comment and let me know what you think, and I'll love you forever.


	3. Manual Labor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this only took forever to write. I hope you all can forgive me, I've been busy! Anyways, enjoy. And by the way, comments make me very happy c;

The whole "staying for a week thing" turned out to be staying for a month or maybe longer, because your cousin had come for a surprise visit and was taking up your room back at home. You weren't entirely fond of that particular cousin, so you decided it would be worth it to overstay your welcome a little.

The first week sort of drudged forward. Most days were taken up by Dave leaving you at the apartment while he was working, and you waiting around for him to get back while you faced several strange and awkward encounters with Bro. By Saturday, you were beginning to think maybe you and Bro might be becoming friends? Maybe?

He was more talkative than you expected, and he was actually really smart. You learned that he dabbled in robotics, and had gone to college for it or something. You had also learned what the weird puppet things were called, and you sort of shuddered every time you saw them now. The name 'smuppet' just had to be something dirty. You weren't about to ask him what they were for.

That particular morning, you had emerged from Dave's room feeling especially hungry, and as you passed the living room area you noticed Bro sitting on the couch and sewing something. It was a bright green smuppet.

"Dude, you make those yourself? Weeiiird." You walked into the kitchen and hunted down your half-empty box of captain crunch. Bro did not reply, so you assumed he was focused on his sewing.

You sat down a bowl and began to pour your cereal. With horror, however, you soon realized that what you were pouring was, in fact, not cereal at all. Instead, your bowl was filling up with tiny, multicolored smuppets...

What the fuck?

"...Bro. Please explain to me why the fuck my cereal is gone and there are weird porn puppets in my bowl." You glared as you heard him stand up and approach the kitchen. You turned to see him standing in the door way, looking as innocent as a lamb in a pasture.

"I dunno," he stated articulately. It was a load of bullshit. You told him so.

"There is no way this doesn't have something to do with you. Is this a weird prank or something? I just want to eat my cereal." You sat down and sighed.

"I like t' think of it more as an expression of fondness." He said it as if it was supposed to be obvious.

"So, your idea of making friends is stealing someone's cereal and replacing it with weird little puppets? I wonder how you attract dates."

"Usually I just kiss 'em. No one can resist a patented Strider smooch." He leaned on the door frame, and you were starting to get irritated about not having your cereal. Then, you paused. He mentioned smooches. Your brain conveniently gave you the image of yourself kissing the older Strider, and the thought gave you an uncomfortable feeling of desire. God damn it all, now you were curious.

"Look, I don't have the patience for this right now. Could you just give me my cereal so I can eat?" You looked at him, hoping he couldn't tell you were blushing. He got that wicked smirk on his face, and any amount of innocence was lost. He sat down at the table across from you and leaned back in his chair.

"Well, I could just give it back to you, but that ain't no fun. You gotta work for it." You glared across the table, starting to feel suspicious.

"What the hell do you mean, work for it? What do you want me to do?" He was quiet for a moment, apparently thinking of an answer. Finally, he grinned.

"You're gonna help me sew some smuppets. Usually I make Dave help me, but he's busy, so, y'know."

What? No.

You absolutely were not about to help in the creation of those freaky little creatures. Something about them just weirded you out. Maybe it was the googly eyes or the overly plump rumps, but they were just strange.

"No way, those things are weird as hell."

"Well, guess you won't get your cereal back then. I was even gonna throw in some cash on the side for your assistance. What a shame." He stood up and walked out of the kitchen, and you sighed loudly. You really wanted your cereal, and cash _did_ sound appealing.

"Ugh, fine. I'll help you with your stupid puppets." You could almost hear the grin in his voice when he responded.

"Cool. C'mere." He was sitting back on the couch, and you reluctantly sat down beside him. There was a pile of colorful felt on the floor by his feet, and he picked up a few blue pieces. He handed you the felt and a pair of scissors, and then a few oddly shaped pieces of papers which you assumed were sewing patterns.

"Alright. Just cut the felt in the shapes of the patterns. The paper says how many to make. Try to make 'em as neat as possible." He went back to what he was doing, hand-stitching a smuppet's body. You stared at the shapes and sighed, beginning your work and cutting out the little shapes one at a time. It wasn't so bad, really, just sort of tedious.

Eventually, you had cut out all the shapes, and you handed them to Bro, who was just about done stitching the first smuppet. He finished that up and sat it aside, turning to examine your work.

"These look good. Thanks, ___. Now make some more in orange." He handed you some orange felt and you sighed, getting to work on the second set of shapes.

Hours passed.

You started to get used to the cutting and stuff, and soon there was a pile of carefully crafted colorful smuppets beside the couch. Their limbs tangled awkwardly, and it was sort of a funny sight. Your hand was starting to ache, though. You sat down the scissors just as Bro finished sewing a purple smuppet's nose on.

"Can I stop now, my hand aches." He looked at the pile of puppets and nodded.

"Yeah, this should be enough for now. Good work."

"Why do you need so many of the damn things, anyways? What are they even for?" He chuckled and sat down his handiwork, stretching and popping his back. You struggled not to eye the definition of his toned torso under his white polo as it stretched over his chest, and the muscles flexing in his arms as he raised them above his head. Fucking hell.

"I sell 'em on my website. Brings in the cash for bills n' shit. They're in pretty high demand right now so my stock was gettin' a little low."

You frowned as you wondered what the hell kind of website would sell those things, and why anyone would buy them. You had noticed Bro carefully sewing in what looked like a silky pocket on the inside of the body, with an opening at the back of the puppet which could only be assumed as something you weren't going to think about.

Ew.

"Um, I don't think I want to ask about that, but okay. So where's my cereal? And cash?" He smirked and pulled your captain crunch from underneath the couch, still safe and sound inside its noisy plastic bag. He handed it to you, and then fished out $50 from his pocket.

You eyed the money and then glanced at him.

"Are you really gonna give me this much? All I did was cut some shapes out of felt..." He yawned and put his feet up on the coffee table, turning on the tv.

"Think of it as an invitation." He began to channel surf. You were confused.

"An invitation for what...?"

"For bein' a part of my business. I could use someone like you to help me. Dave is always workin' so I can't ask him, and anyways that would be weird."

You wondered how asking your brother's significant other for help would be less weird than just asking your own family.

"Uh... I'll think about it, I guess?" You stood up, carrying your cereal to the kitchen to finally have some late breakfast. You tried to wrap your mind around the invitation, wondering what sort of business Bro even ran. It had to be something really weird, for sure....

What were you getting yourself into?

-*-

At six, Dave came home, as usual. He was feeling a little stressed; Apparently, it had been a particularly busy day at work. You offered him a back rub, which he gratefully accepted. The two of you sat on the couch, and you began massaging his shoulders for him. Bro came in and took up the recliner. He eyed the two of you, but didn't say anything. He just watched whatever random bullshit was on tv. 

Eventually, Dave decided to speak to Bro. You kept massaging his back, not wanting to interrupt. 

"So, I see you have a fuckton of puppets again. How'd you manage to make that many so fast on your own?" Bro shrugged, changing the channel to some weird anime. The light from the tv reflected on his dumb pointy shades, further hiding his eyes from view. 

"___ helped me today. We got a lot done." 

Dave apparently was uncomfortable with the idea of that. 

"What? Bro, no, ew. Don't make ___ help you with your gross puppet shit. That's just weird." He turned to you. 

"I'm gonna have to apologize on behalf of my brother for including you in that weirdness." You smiled and shook your head. 

"It's fine, Dave. I didn't really mind. And besides, he paid me for it."

Dave continued to grumble about it, and he and Bro bickered about several other trivial things. It was sort of nice, the way they were with each other. They weren't mean to each other, necessarily. They just gave each other a hard time. It was cute, you thought. You teased them about their brotherly love, and they both griped at you for making it lame. You just laughed.

The Striders were becoming a pretty important part of your life. If only you could stop being so attracted to the one you _weren't_ dating. You really didn't want to fuck this up. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I recently learned how to sew smuppets. They're a pain in the ass to make, but the end result is oddly adorable, in my opinion. Anyways, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. Keep your eyes open for more updates, and try to bear with me as I procrastinate and whine about them. As always, comment and tell me what you think.   
> \---NOTICE---  
> I've just created a sideblog on Tumblr for my fic writing and stuff. You can request short writing prompts there, and see information (and maybe some art in the future) about my stories that I post here. Go follow it at http://gaypirateships.tumblr.com/


End file.
